let me make one thing perfectly clear

I often write about how dissatisfied I am with my current life, and how a lot of it results from my role as caregiver to my father.

But I want to make it clear that I don't hold him at all responsible for this situation. It's not his fault that he's crumbling.

And it's not my "fault" that I've gotten so involved with him and his life. And it's not even my sisters' fault for not showing much concern or interest in the old man or me. It may be the fault of our whole stinkin' culture, keeping people alive without devoting resources to make those lives better. We can afford war, but we can't afford education or health care or similar frivolities.

I do what I do because I have no choice. The old man's in trouble, and I am in a position to help, without hurting anyone else (except maybe myself). My parents didn't bring their parents in to live with us. They helped them, but they believed - and I agree with this - that their first obligation was to their primary family, namely each other and their kids.

In comparison, I've got plenty o' nothing. There's a vaccuum in my life that this sort of fills. It feels more meaningful than trying to get my stuff organized. Maybe I'll get around to that later. Or maybe, after my rotting corpse is found under a pile of old magazines, they'll come in with a pitchfork and a dumpster and just get rid of this crap - like I should.

Maybe I'd better not get too analytical about this. I've worked my way back from feeling really bad for a while, and I'd like to stay on even keel for the forseeable future. If need be, I can always summon up the demons again.

-- 1360